you say that you speak the truth. and i am not doubting now that you have truth in your experiences and your scope of knowledge. but for you to claim the vast expanse of truth as within your comphrension, that in itself is a contrdiction of terms. the truth is something beyond all of us. i believe that everyone contains some piece of the collage of truth; i believe that each person in his/her own experiences learns and grows and strives for a universal end, and in that process we all grasp for this truth that you so confidently claim as your own. but what i think, is that in the end, we have to combine our "truth" with the truth in others in order to make a sensible whole. we have to look elsewhere, because in ourselves there is no perfection and it can't even come close. but through relationships and dialogue and experience, we can improve on what we have. we can always strive to better ourselves. so you, with your perfect truth, have stopped reaching out and only dwell within a pool of your own knowledge and experience which is poisoned with the arrogance that your truth could ever be enough. i always thought you realized that this truth was a good and moral truth. you always claimed as much and i agree with that. but how could you use this truth to justify your actions, varied as they are, in stifling other opinions and stomping on my attempts in asserting my own individuality. truth is not a catch all or a means to an end, and for the sake of not sounding philosophical or pretentious, i will end that line of reasoning right there. this "truth" is something inside all of us, some have more than others, and though i can not judge, i can state that i see the imperfections in the truth of every other.... but it is easy to say that as an outsider when i am completely certain that my own truth is lacking in knowledge, experience, and collaboration. i am glad i can say that for myself, because it makes me comfortable in my own skin to know that i have room to grow. i do not see how that makes me pretentious or selfish, or how in this scheme of things, you can so quickly guard yourself with your version of this truth, or merely your manipulated spin on it.
by the way, i have been reading dracula and i am almost finished with it in just a few nights. it is like a record. because it is really interesting and will make a great comparison for my seminar paper (15 pages) topic. i have some long days ahead with papers and such...
i heart huckabees was wonderful. gotta love lily tomlin and dustin hoffman... really good stuff. friday night is the JEM concert. HOT.
a song that pretty much sums up what's going on in my head:
azure ray, november
So i'm waiting for this test to end So these lighter days can soon begin I'll be alone but maybe more carefree Like a kite that floats so effortlessly I was afraid to be alone Now im scared thats how id like to be All these faces none the same How can there be so many personalities So many lifeless empty hands So many hearts in great demand And now my sorrow seems so far away Until i'm taken by these bolts of pain But i turn them off and tuck them away till these rainy days that make them stay And then i'll cry so hard to these sad songs And the words still ring, once here now gone And they echo through my head everyday And i dont think they'll ever go away Just like thinking of your childhood home But we cant go back we're on our own Oh, But i'm about to give this one more shot And find it in myself Ill find it in myself So were speeding towards that time of year To the day that marks you're not here And i think i'll want to be alone So please understand that i dont answer the phone I'll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls Until i can see nothing at all Only particles some fast some slow All my eyes can see is all i know Ohh.. But i'm about to give this one more shot And find it in myself I'll find it in myself
i declared my second major yesterday with the psychology department... i'm like three classes away from finishing it anyway. i used to be behind in the modern studies program major, but i took three english classes this semester and i'm doing three next semester, so i am fine. i can even do summer school, but i don't have to. i am going to apply to this two year masters program here that extends out of undergrad. i would take two 500 level english classes that did not count towards my undergrad english degree in my 4th year, and then i would spend a 5th year finishing my masters. i can easily do that because i am ahead on my credits and have the room. next semester i am going to take my nonwestern perspective, japanese lit in translation, which will count towards the modern studies program major as well as a big shakespeare class and a modern painters and writers seminar with the same seminar professor i have this semester (score, not to mention recommendation)... this is all dependent on my doing well on the GRE, which i would take over the summer and also some special subject tests. two faculty recommendations not a problem, two long essays, also not a problem. the GPA has to be high, but i have the opportunity to make that GPA this semester. then i can keep working at the phonathon. i am about to apply to be supervisor. i will make more than 10 dollars an hour and get a bonus each semester for one percent of the money i have raised. that's a 300-350 dollar bonus every semester, which should accumulate. right now i need to spend money with reckless abandon, but i will switch out of that mode to a saving mode when it becomes more convenient. i'll stay in this very place i am living because it is so cozy here. we keep it so clean and nice. i'm really trying to make everything work. i have had a lot on my mind emotionally, and my thoughts have been running themselves into walls, and when it becomes a little more coherent, i'll try to write something down. it's just whirling around too fast right now to really catch it. and the holidays are coming.
i got an A on my hardy/ owens poetry comparison paper. that is my first A on a paper here at UVA. i know that makes me sound stupid, but the thing is, here in the college of arts and sciences, UVA feels the need to prove itself as a top notch school by never giving anyone the A's... subjective grading can be quite frustrating. so i got this A after pouring myself into my paper. and then i got an A on my first psych exam.... that class i was terrified of. i correctly calculated z score, standard deviation, and central tendency. i rule. i studied hard for my english 381 test and though i think it was hard, i knew the majority of the information. i am also about to get my paper back for turn of the century lit, and i hope she liked it as much as my poetry professor liked the other one. wooo! school is just going really well.
next weekend is the film festival and i am very excited about that. there's a lot on tap but i am anticipating the first look at "birth"- a movie that is yet to be released starring nicole kidman. apparently the kid is like her dead husband or something very bizarre... nicole has been on a roll lately, or so they say, so hopefully it will be cool. sandra bullock is going to be at the festival, but i probably won't see her at all. it's the 10 year anniversary of speed, which i have never seen... i like her though, i wish she wasn't sold out. though i am sure no one will even get to see her close up. (i hope not at least, since i can't go). there are a few other movies as well, so its just a great opportunity to be loving on the movies as i am always up for that. in fact, the horror movie SAW is coming out over the weekend and i am just very eager to see that. very psychologically disturbing, i can only hope. i haven't seen the grudge yet, but i think i will. i worry that it will be full of cliches and ruined by sarah michelle gellar, but i can't help but hope for the best with it. actually, a lot of new movies finally have come out that seem worth watching. i am a little skeptical of i heart huckabees, though, even if the IMDB gives it rave reviews. i am starting to doubt the credibility of the IMDB. i admit, i am a huge loser, and i consult it before i rent or see anything, and a lot of times, it is semi-accurate as critic, but sometimes i just disagree.
in other news, i am going to post pictures as soon as photobucket starts working again. happy monday, all, hope it isn't as nasty out there for you as it is here in VA.
if you are wondering why you have been cut from my list, it was because the survey i mentioned somewhere around five times was never done... so, the deletion of friends should be in no way surprising or insulting to you, because it was not personal. i was trying to get an idea of who reads and interacts with my journal, etc... since it is hard to keep up with everyone and my schoolwork. thank you for having interest in my journal, and if it was a mistake, i am always willing to reconsider the deletions.